Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition Review – Xbox Series X|S

A definitive waste of time

Look, I know where GTA stands in gaming history. GTA 3 paved the way for massive open worlds. Without it, we would have probably… well, we would have gotten open-world games anyway. Rockstar wasn’t the first to do it, and somebody else would have come along with something eventually.

GTA 3, Vice City, and San Andreas earned their places 20 years ago, more or less. Today, in the cold light of 2022 (or whatever year you’re watching this video, future person) they just don’t hold up. I’m going to say it: GTA 3 and Vice City are downright awful to play these days. San Andreas kind of just about holds on, but it’s by a fingernail grip.

Game Information
Release Date: November 11th, 2021
Developer: Grove Street Games
Publisher: Rockstar
Availability: Microsoft Store, PSN, Steam, Retail (Amazon USA/ Amazon UK)

What this trilogy needed wasn’t a facelift that looks like it was done by some random Russian YouTuber with a handful of dodgy mods; it needed a full-on remake from the ground up. The underlying systems have long been made redundant, and a few quality of life tweaks, like the weapon wheel or GPS in the maps, doesn’t change the fact that these games were designed and built for another time. Dragging them up into the present with a fresh coat of paint is like me dragging my dead granny from the grave, throwing on a bit of lipstick and a pretty dress and calling her a freshly born beauty. Overly harsh analogy? Maybe. But the point still stands: you can’t dress up the dead and pretend the innards are still good.

I’ll be straight with you – I’ve barely touched GTA 3 and Vice City. They feel awful to play. Cumbersome and clunky in a way that was new and exciting when they were released, but just plain bad in this day and age. We didn’t know better back then. We didn’t have anything to compare to. Now we do, and they just don’t stack up, and I’m left wondering why Rockstar even bothered? Oh, money.

San Andreas was a big leap forward with a massive map, an RPG-style character system, and a story that was surprisingly good. I remember my 15-year old self being hooked with the story of friendship, family, and betrayal, and it made me think of games in a way I hadn’t previously – they could be movie-like experiences with deep narratives and characters that I cared for.

Looking back, I was right, but again, San Andreas has been outdone in the years since, and no amount of fancy lighting and glossy cars will make up for it.

The combat in all three games is a mess, with San Andreas being particularly annoying. Just try pulling off a headshot without sending your aiming reticule a million miles an hour past your target’s head. And don’t get me started on the numerous mission-ruining bugs. An early one that I encountered had me pulling my hair out after an hour of trying to get Madd Dogg’s rhymes. I was raging and ready to call it quits. I ploughed on for a few hours more before calling it off as a bad job and a waste of money.

What you’re getting in this package is a three-game history lesson. Something to play to remind yourself why you haven’t hooked up the OG Xbox or the PS2 for 15 years. Sure, they look nicer than they ever did, but there are plenty of bugs that drag the experience down – like the magically appearing enemies in San Andreas – or the weird visual anomalies that make character models look like they were sculpted by a monkey with a laptop.

I can’t recommend these games to anybody other than the hardcore fans who want to relive their childhood memories. Or to punish their children.

This is a remaster trilogy so bad that I’ll be very, very cautious when the inevitable Bully remaster gets announced. But I will admit, if Rockstar announced a GTA 4 remaster, I’ll be all over it like flies on crap. We all have our weaknesses, and nostalgia is far too easy for publishers to tap into.

Review Disclaimer: This review was carried out using a copy of the game bought at the expense of the reviewer. For more information, please read our Review Policy.

Primary version tested: Xbox Series X|S

Secondary version tested: PS5/PS4